Christmas Funnies

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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 01, 2023
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 02, 2023
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 03, 2023
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that £10.00 is too much money and executives believe £10.00 is a little chintzy.
NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 04, 2023
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!? Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F&@king Employees
DATE: October 05, 2023
RE: The Fucking Holiday Party
Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f&@king salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!
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FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 06, 2023
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Shirley

 

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Put up my Christmas tree.

 

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Twas the night before Christmas'


And in the garage.



There wasn't a trace of a Ford or Dodge.



The presents were wrapped and the lights were all lit,



So I figured I'd go mess with my Corvette for a bit.



I popped the release and I lifted the hood,



When a deep voice behind me said "Looks pretty good."



Well as you can imagine, I turned mighty quick,



And there by my workbench, stood good Ol' Saint Nick!



He just stared at first, not sure what to say,



Then Santa piped in "Don't suppose you'd trade that for my sleigh?'



"Forget it, Mr. Claus" then I started to grin



"If you've got some time we could go for a spin!"



His round little mouth, all tied up like a bow,



Burst into a smile when he said "C'mon then, Let's GO!!"



So as not to disturb all my neighbours' retreat,



We pushed my old Stingray quietly onto the street.



Then, taking our places to drift down the hill,



I turned on the key, then let the clutch spill.



The sound erupted and took Santa by surprise,



But he liked it a lot, by the look in his eyes.



With cold tires spinning and exhaust pipes aglow,



We headed on out to roads hot rodders go.



And Santa's grin widened, approaching his ears,



With every shift up as I went through the gears.



Then he yelled "Can't recall when I've felt so alive!"



So I backed off the gas and said "Do you wanna drive?"



Ol' Santa was stunned when I gave him the keys,



As he walked past the headlights he shook at the knees!



Then the big block exploded with raspy exhaust sound!



Santa let out the clutch as the tires tore up the ground.



Power shift into second, again into third!



I grabbed for the handle, at loss for a word.



With the tank reaching empty, Santa returned to his sleigh,



Never to forget that ride in my '69 Stingray



Later, I heard him exclaim, as he blasted from sight,



"Merry Christmas, to all,



It's been a great night!!!"