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Quick Jokes


Well-known member
Mar 14, 2002
Waterloo, IL USA
2016 triple black vert.
Got these from a friend and some are pretty good.


I heard a rumor that they're giving away manure at my local fair, so I went down there to check, it was bullshit.

Don't trust atoms, they make up everything!

Biologists have discovered they can stop frogs dying by removing their vocal cords so they can't croak

Googled- "Missing medieval servant it came up with "Page not found".

Hummingbirds are just regular birds that don't know the words.

I'm not saying I'm Superman. I'm just saying that no one has ever seen me and Superman in the same room together.

Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.

Mental Note: Actual notes work better.

I've always been a very vocal advocate of nonviolence towards me.

I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

Don't count your chickens. And don't blame my cat. He has an airtight alibi.

I assume full responsibility for my actions. Except the ones that are someone else's fault.

If my life was a spy thriller, I'd be the taxi driver broadsided in the first car chase scene.

The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat. It's watching what other people eat.

Why does everyone say my name like it means "Shut Up"?

The surest sign that a man is in love is when he divorces his wife.

Words matter; you can hardly write a decent sentence without them.

Wish I could understand what this computer guy is saying, but it's all geek to me.

Serial killers rarely answer questions like “Who’s there?”

Jail..the government's way of sending you to your room.

Clearly, you are a person with an open mind. I can feel the breeze from here.

Nothing really prepares you for when your cell phone rings while you're fake talking on it.

Make sure your goals are unattainable so you'll feel a little better about giving up later.

If history repeats itself, I really want a dinosaur
Kinstipation: the painful inability to get visiting relatives out.

Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they're making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's up.

Congratulations, If you press the elevator button three times it goes into hurry mode – really.

Even people who are good for nothing can bring smile on your face, when pushed down the stairs.

I didn't climb to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

I love my life, but it just wants to be friends.

I wasn't lying, I was just writing fiction with my mouth.

Oh... I didn’t tell you... Then It must be none of your business...

Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves!

The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don’t have to mow it.

I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.

Avoid arguments about the toilet seat...use the sink.

Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.
:chuckle Some good ones in there!

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