Be Cool: Common Pitfalls For The C5 Owner, And how To Avoid Them

[Patrick]

Ladies and Gentlemen,
We are now only a couple of weeks to St. Patrick's Day. For those of us in cold northerly winter climates, this date (March 17th) is the benchmark: It heralds the time we can begin considering removing our beloved Corvettes from months of storage and getting them on the road again. Battery tenders will be disconnected. Oil will be changed (and those who truly wish to torture themselves will contact Remo for suggestions on oil filters.) The workbenches will be cleared off as those winter season mod projects see their conclusions. And at last, at long last, keys will be inserted into ignitions, engines will be fired up, and in neighborhoods all over the northern half of the US and Canada, the beautiful sounds of Corvette exhaust notes will sing to greet their time of year!

Yes, we know you Corvette owners in Florida and Southern California are reading this, scratching your heads, thinking, “What gives here? I drove my Corvette on New Year’s Day.” Bear with your cold-weather brothers and sisters here. We’ve had three or four months when local conditions meant we couldn’t enjoy our Corvettes. Hey, we show you guys the love when you deal with hurricanes and earthquakes.

Sadly, this coming season of happiness for Corvette owners from New England to Alberta forces us to take note of how some of us have forgotten the charming idiosyncrasies of our prized rides. Therefore, this thread will serve as a guide to fellow C5 owners on the common mistakes you can make after months without driving your Corvette. After all, we have an expectation of cool that must be maintained, an aura of "badness" that must be cultivated at all times. So, with tongue planted firmly in cheek, I give you:

Be Cool:
Common Pitfalls for the C5 owner, And How To Avoid Them.

Introduction:
Ladies and Gentlemen, Fellow C5 owners, we are Corvette Enthusiasts. And as such, there is an expectation incumbent upon all of us. It is part and parcel of the Corvette experience, one which owners of other makes of automobiles look to us to set the standard. This standard, of course, is coolness. To be more precise, it is your Coolness Quotient, a rating which defines how successful you are as a Corvette owner every bit as much as your timeslips, the shelves of Zaino or Meguairs products in your garage, and the scattered Corvette America and Mid-America Corvette catalogues on your coffee table. It is a unit of measure that helps to define us, as Corvette Owners, as a category unique to the motoring public. (I mean… can you truly be cool if you drive a Toyota Tercel? Are you setting the standard for cool if putz around in a twelve year old Volvo?)

Corvette equals cool. We owners of Corvettes must accept that, and be the coolness equal of our cars in every way. The unfortunate fact is that not all C5 owners have come see this. So this commentary is offered as a guide to help you, our fellow C5 owners who’ve lost your way, to recover you coolness. Thanks are not necessary, we offer this as a vital service of import to owners of 1997 through 2004 Corvettes. Now, if you’re sitting comfortably, we can begin.

 

[Patrick]

Part I:
Getting Out of the Garage.

The winter projects are finished. Whether it was new tires and rims, a new supercharger or air intake system, new exhaust or something to dress up the interior (Please- none of those imitation carbon-fiber dash kits. That's a bit kitsch for a Corvette. Let the Mustang owners do that), the Corvette is ready to run on roads freed of snow and ice, sand and salt. But- you have a final chore to finish. You must, Corvette owner, immediately see to your Corvette's appearance. You see, during your Corvette's winter hibernation, a layer of dust from the inside of your garage has collected on her. Nothing says "lack of cool" more than coming out of some destination you've been visiting to see your Corvette has been savaged by some juvenile who's written "Wash Me" out of the dust on the back. Oh, the indignity! Don't let this happen to you!

Thus, your very first priority, fellow Corvette owner, is to immediately take a Saturday to wash, claybar, wash again, dry with micro-fiber towels, blow-dry out the crevices behind the side view mirror, and then layer with polish, your Corvette. A clean and shiny Corvette is a happy Corvette. A Cool Corvette. This is a non-negotiable must on your Spring to-do list. And it makes for quality zen-time with your Corvette, too.

After you've taken care of the Corvette, it's now time for you to look the part. This is critical to the coolness quotient of a Corvette: the driver (and passenger) of the Corvette must be the organic equal to the machine in all respects. The essentials to the C5 owner include a decent pair of sunglasses (the sort they use in televised poker tournaments, so that your eyes remain unrevealed), and a pair of leather driving gloves. Yes, in the case of driving at night or during overcast skies, you may wear the sunglasses on the top of your head, but you must keep them with you at all times while driving. The gloves, of course, are important in preventing sweat from your palms being layered onto the steering wheel. You simply cannot be considered cool if you have a sticky steering wheel.

It has been suggested that another important item is an adult diaper, so that you won’t need to pull over at a rest stop on one of those 900-mile trips (perhaps you’re stalking an astronaut.) We couldn’t disagree with this sentiment any more strongly than we do. Adult diapers? We think not! Besides, what could be cooler than pulling into a rest stop to take a credit, and finding all those Winnebago owners staring enviously at you and your Corvette.

Next, clothing is important. Indeed, being appropriately attired while behind the wheel of your Corvette is an expectation. For the ladies, this means clothing that compliments the figure. We'll start with what's out: coats and jackets which appear to swallow you, your husband’s/boyfriend’s oversized sweatshirt, clothing you wore as a teenager, and moo-moos are definitely no-no's. Basically, anything which says "this is age inappropriate," "this is six sizes too big," or "I see myself as needing a boy scout to help me cross the street," are out. Well cut blouses, sexy turtlenecks or knit shirts, or those nice black cocktail party dresses are in. Bikinis, while definitely cool looking, should be avoided for the simple reason that they will leave you defenseless to being scorched by your leather interior. Nothing says "uncool" like a Corvette owner squirming and shrieking in agony while receiving third degree burns on the backs of her legs while getting into her car.

For the gentlemen: Guys, let's be clear on this point. There is a definite line between "cool" and "cheesy," and you must observe this line. Plaid golf pants are out. Bermuda shorts with knee-length black socks are out. Clothing that reveals you’ve put on a few pounds since your varsity starter days are out. That favorite pair of jeans that's been patched over to repair holes so often it looks like a quilt... are out! Cool is in the cut of the clothes, gentlemen. If you must wear jeans, okay, but have the decency to put on a pair that doesn't look like you bought it in 1979 at a bargain sale. And for heaven's sake- exposed body hair is NOT cool. This includes chest, arm and [shudder] back hair. If you have body hair in these parts, you may not be seen driving your Corvette wearing a t-shirt which displays this to the world. Shirts with collars are preferred, although you may not wear the collar on a polo or knit shirt up (contrary to popular opinion, it didn’t look good in 1983, and it still doesn’t look good.)

Corvette washed, dried and polished? Properly attired? Excellent. You’re motoring experience is nearly ready to begin. But there are some common mistakes Corvette owners ready for their first ride of the season make.

Pictures. Yes, getting the Corvette out is a very good thing, a seasonal occasion which it is fair to document. But please, get the car out of the garage first. You aren’t going to help your coolness quotient if, in the background of your garage, we can spot those half-finished home improvement projects you set aside five years ago and never got back to.
Ingress & Egress. The truly cool Corvette owner understands that there is only one correct way to get into and out of your Corvette. Don’t stick a foot into the pedal well and then clumsily collapse behind the wheel with one foot still outside the car. Instead, open the driver’s door and stand looking away from the car, so that your back is exposed to the interior. Begin to lean forward slightly and sit, until you are seated in the driver’s seat and bring your head into the car. Then, and only then, swing your feet over the door sill and into the car. Reverse these steps to exit. With practice, it becomes easy, and it avoids the common pitfall of hitting your head on the frame as you try to get in and out.
Hair and Head Accessories. In the next section, hair will be discussed in greater detail- particularly as it pertains to driving top down. But if you want to avoid hair messes, the only acceptable cool solution is a hat. As a matter of practicality, the only hat we can recommend with confidence to remain in place while you approach triple digits is a well fitting baseball cap. Please, do not wear the cap backwards. This is a definitely coolness faux pas: it says you are trying too hard to look cool, and the effect is diminished. Coolness should look as though it just happens naturally. One other bit of advice: some gentlemen prefer a racing style cap, like the kind available in tweed. This is another coolness no-no: this is a British affectation, best left to owners of Jaguars who find it necessary to pull over to tinker with those well known temperamental British automotive electrical systems.
Food in the Car. Sorry, Corvette owners, but being seen trying to scarf down a cheeseburger, while that mystery sauce is dripping down your shirt, is not cool. Food is to be eaten at a table. Performance driving is to be done behind the wheel of a Corvette. And never the ‘twain shall meet. Sodas, water, tea, coffee and other non-alcoholic beverages, on the other hand, if put into a spill-proof container, are acceptable. Just make sure your passenger isn’t sipping hot coffee when you have to do some rapid acceleration or breaking- marriages have ended this way. And a word about those high-energy drinks: ladies and gentlemen, you drive a Corvette which (depending on whether it’s Coupe/Convertible or Z06) produces 365 to 405 Horsepower. Why on earth does the driver need to be operating with an even higher octane rating than the car?

Alright then: the car is washed and ready. You’re properly attired. You may now fire up the engine, and hit the road.

 

[Patrick]

Part II:
Common Problems On The Road.

For those of you with manual transmissions, there can be an erosion of your reflexes over the winter to remembering where the catch-point between where you release pressure on the clutch, and increase pressure on the gas occurs to make the Corvette go from a dead stop. Re-learn this point. Practice it (preferably in some out of the way parking lot where you won't be seen and recognized.) Make it into an automatic process you go through by rote memory. Why go to this trouble? Because stalling your Corvette at an intersection is one of worst, most un-cool things you can do. Imagine the scene: you are first at the light, and sitting in the lane next to you is a hottie who catches your attention. You make eye contact, and hottie seems interested. The light turns green, you let up on the clutch to fast and... a coolness disaster happens. The hottie drives on, chuckling, while you re-start the engine.

Know the situation in which you are driving, and behave accordingly. Yes, if you’re driving downtown, next to some building with all kinds of reflectively glass on the sides, it’s okay to sneak a peek at the reflected site of your Corvette easily out-cooling everything else on the street, but don’t gape. Just glance at this impressive image out of the corner of your eye, and smile. Let everyone else gape with awe.

If you’re driving down the freeway with the top off (coupe) or top down (convertible), yes, you’re hair is going to get a bit windblown. Don’t put on a headscarf or cap. Don’t try to continuously re-adjust your locks. Just let the effect happen. It looks natural, and says to other motorists “I’m having fun! So, how’s that mini-van thing working out for you?” One word of caution: for those of you who’ve reached the point in your life where you find Donald Trump’s hairstyle is the most effective at covering up… well… you get the idea… let’s state this as delicately as possible: hair gels are your friend. Yes, a certain amount of windblown look provides you with the cool effect Corvette owners are supposed to have. Five feet of comb-over trailing behind you does not.

The Cool Corvette owner also realizes that to keep his or her exhaust note singing at the property pitch, it is necessary to occasionally do a “blow the carbon out” trip. This is definitely a wise thing to do, if you chose the appropriate venue: heavy commuter traffic is not recommended. A Country road with a few twisties is. Having performed a good “carbon blow out” at some recent point will also help to maintain an aura of cool while driving down suburban residential streets, as it will draw attention to your cool while you rattle the front windows on adjacent homes.

On the subject of going topless in your Corvette- make your decision regarding whether to leave the top up or down (or on vs. off, in the case of a Coupe) before you leave home. The Weather Channel must become your source of daily information concerning hour-by-hour changes to the weather. Have the Weather Channel as one of your regular pre-set channels, and spend hours at a time watching it. You do not want to find yourself off the side of the road in a downpour you hadn’t anticipated, trying to put your top back on- that’s the sort of mistake a Mustang owner is expected to make, not a Corvette owner. If you must split your travel between top down and top up, make the change at a planned stop on your travels, as though you always knew you’d be able to go topless for only this long, even if it’s a decision you made only ten miles back. Coolness requires you to look like you planned everything well ahead of time.

At a certain point in your motoring- whether it’s a short errand to the store, or a cross-country road trip- you will need to pull over and park. Selecting your parking place is an often over-looked facet of Corvette ownership, but it is a facet which, when properly done, subtly reinforces an aura of cool. It doesn’t matter whether the parking lot you’re stopping at is a major mall or supermarket, an office or a roadside rest stop. The principles involved in selecting a space are the same.
- First, you must search for a space which has no other cars anywhere nearby. It is a common myth that a Corvette will enhance the appearance of a Yugo if you park next to it. The truth is that the negative karma of something like a Yugo affects everything around it. Your Corvette must stand out in stark contrast by being a part of the parking lot no one else is using, as if to say, “I am unique, therefore, I stand alone.”
- If possible, park at the end of a row, next to a landscaped island. This will ensure that even if some other motorist decides to park next to you, they can do so only on one side.
- Park with the back end of your Corvette into the space. This both avoids the horrendous scrape of your air dam hitting the curb stop or sidewalk at the end of the space, and puts you in launch position for your return. This is a definite coolness enhancement.
- Do not, under any circumstances, take up more than one space. Most parking spaces are sized for vehicles far larger than a Corvette, so your ride will comfortably fit into a single space. But more than that, there’s the potential to be seen as rude if you take more spaces than you actually need. We Corvette owners are cool; we are not rude.
- Yes, following these steps will likely involve a greater amount of time in both finding a proper space and parking, as well as walking to the entrance to the building. This does not affect your coolness quotient in any way. After all, when your business at this destination is done, you will leave and find your Corvette, set apart and looking ready to get back into action- and that is an ultimate enhancement to your coolness quotient.

And finally, a word about stopping for gas. My fellow Corvette enthusiasts, there is one major pitfall C5 owners fall into that is both coolness erasing and humiliating. It involves the gas tank door. When you pull into a gas station and shut the engine off, make it part of your re-fueling routine that you immediately lift the armrest and push the button to open the gas door. Do this before you even unfasten your seatbelt. Failure to do so will mean that the following scene will play itself out, to your shame:

You get out of the Corvette without having first opened the fuel door. You go to the fuel pump, insert your card, select the highest octane fuel available and turn around, only to find you can’t access the gas tank. So, there you are, fuel nozzle in hand, having to reach into the immaculate interior of your Corvette while holding the fuel nozzle as far away as possible, and push the button to release the gas tank door. It then swings open and smacks you in the derriere- a spanking that serves as a punishment for overlooking this important step in the first place. Worse, the hottie filling up the XLR on the next aisle (oh yes, there will be one) will see this and laugh. A definite coolness killing moment has just happened.

 

[Patrick]

Part III:
Being Challenged by Other Vehicles and Drivers.

At some point, every Corvette owner has faced a situation like this. You have pulled up to a red light. In the lane next to you, some Japanese make of car sporting a lurid paint job pulls up. Through the dark tinted windows on this car, the sound of some rap or hip-hop base beat is providing evidence that the aftermarket stereo system cost more than the car itself, and yet it barely conceals the single exhaust port noise (a sound that resembles the bodily function which occurs when one consumes too much spicy chili and beer). Stickers plastered over the sides of this vehicle demonstrate that the mere act of peeling off the backing of this sticker has increased power output by a minimum of 10 horsepower. Yes, you roll your eyes as the driver of this car revs the engine of his Mitsubishi Eclipse/Toyota Celica/Nissan 240 SX in an attempt to make you notice him.

Coolness, of course, dictates you ignore this. You have read above that overt attempts to look cool merely diminish the effect, and the owner of this car has taken “overt attempt to look cool” to a pathetic low. But he won’t be put off so easily. The window on this ricer goes down, and after the obligatory cloud of cigarette smoke from within the cabin clears, and your ears adjust to the cacophony he’s listening to, you find some acne-afflicted youth staring at you, one arm dangling casually over the steering wheel.

This situation has occurred numerous times over the years to owners of C5s, and it comes down to this: you cool is being challenged. Now, you are under no obligation to respond. You could, when the light turns green, simply casually motor on your way and let this upstart cretin floor it. No harm would come to your cool, after all, he’s hardly worth the effort. But some C5 owners find it necessary to issue a smack down and teach this youth who so recently learned to shave a lesson.

Very well. If this is you, if you simply must spank this knucklehead, as a public service, the following are the proper steps you should take to do it:
- First, and most importantly, take careful stock of the situation in which you find yourself. Are you on an arterial where there is little chance of pedestrians crossing mid-block? Are you a comfortable distance away from any place where pedestrians may be congregating (a park, a pedestrian shopping mall, a school, or a scenic landmark)? Is the road ahead of you free of other traffic and road construction areas? Is this an area not well known for frequent law enforcement speed zones or traffic cameras? Are you familiar with this road? If the answer to any of these questions is no, we implore you not to risk your cool in this situation.
- After you’ve taken stock of your circumstance and judged the situation to be amenable to imparting a smack down, as casually as you can, shift into first gear and (remembering from your practice sessions to catch point between release of the clutch and depressing the gas) make yourself ready by keeping your hand on the shifter.
- Keep an eye on the light for the cross traffic direction. Watch it change from green… to yellow… to red. Assuming there isn’t a dedicated left turn arrow for your direction of travel, start to count to five. When you get to five in your count, your light should turn green, and you should launch firmly.
- Hold your shift to second longer than normal. Do the same with your shift to third. By third gear, the ricer should be receding to a speck in your mirror. At this point, you should resume your normal driving. You will find at the next light that the ricer has rolled his window back up and refuses to look at you out of shame.
- Now, the real key to all of this is while you are juggling all these variables, you must- as a matter of cool- remain looking supremely unconcerned about the whole thing. Avoid the temptation to gloat. When the offending ricer pulls up next to you at the next light, simply turn your head slightly, and allow the corners of your mouth to inch upward ever so slightly. The non-verbal lesson will be complete at this point: “I’m cool, you’re an idiot. Do that again, and it will only be worse for you.”

This same circumstance will happen with dozens of other makes of cars. From Mustangs to Porsches, the only variation on this theme will be how many gears you must run through before the lesson is imparted upon those unwilling to pay the Corvette its proper respect.

Now, on rare occasions, you will come across a circumstance where a fellow Corvette owner will want to challenge you. This is known as “going cannibal,” and is strictly forbidden. Violators of this rule will have their amassed Coolness Quotient striped from them and divided equally among all other Corvette owners within a 100-mile radius. There is a reason why we wave to one another on the road: Coolness greets and celebrates Coolness, it does not feast upon another’s cool.

You will often receive compliments from other drivers. This can come in the form of waves, nods, smiles or comments, and should be acknowledged in kind. But it can also come in the form of sneers and unpleasantness. Jealousy is it’s own form of compliment, and you should simply accept these jealous outbursts as such. Rise above it, and travel happily on your way.

Not all road experiences you will encounter will be happy ones. Sooner or later, you will encounter an experience where you’re happily driving down the road, and some mini-van driver decides to change lanes in front of you, so as to pass an even slower semi. Doing only one-half mile an hour faster than the semi, it will seem to take an eternity for the mini-van to inch its way past the 18-wheeler. This can be aggravating, yes, but you must view this as a test to your cool. Bear this detainment of your progress with grace. And when the mini-van finally gets back into the slow lane, you must resist the temptation to fly past them- that would only illustrate your frustration. Remember, you are a Corvette owner. Coolness requires a certain unflappability. It also requires you to avoid using crude finger gestures to convey your opinion of the mini-van’s timing as you pass.

 

[Patrick]

Part IV:
Encounters with Law Enforcement

You've been naughty, haven't you? You were pressing that gas pedal a bit harder than the law will allow, weren't you? Tsk, tsk, tsk. So now, you're sitting off the side of the road, looking into your rearview mirror as red flashing lights from the marked patrol car behind you advertise your infraction to anyone driving by. You watch as a patrolman emerges from that car, illuminated in a sort of red strobe-light effect by the array on the roof of his car. And now your cool is about to have a few points assessed against it. Only now do you recall, with embarrassing clarity, that old line about it only being illegal if you get caught. You, my friend, have been caught, which makes the 25 miles per hour over the posted limit you were doing illegal.

Mind you, being naughty isn't necessarily bad for your cool. Some of the coolest Corvette owners in the world have had mighty wide naughty streaks. Even getting caught being naughty isn't necessarily bad for your cool. There's a reason "bad" and "cool" have a certain close etymological relationship in the modern vernacular. It's how you handle this situation that reflects, positively or negatively, upon your Coolness Quotient.

In this section, we will discuss your encounters with the long arm of the law. The first thing you must remember is the Police departments, Sheriff's departments, and State Highway Patrol departments are made up of perfectly normal people. They are not robo-cops, they are not the Law Enforcement version of "The Terminator," they are not Dirty Harry or Serpico. They are people who, like everyone else, appreciate cool when they come across it. Indeed, there are numerous stories of Corvette owners who have been pulled over by a Cop mainly because the Cop wanted a closer look at their ride. Many in Law Enforcement are Corvette owners, themselves, which means they fully comprehend the whole concept of The Coolness Quotient.

So relax: we'll help get through this experience. There are just a few things you need to keep in mind. Most importantly, how you respond to questions. So, keep your hands where we can see them, don't make any sudden unexpected movements, and smile. Here is how to handle (and NOT handle) the most common interactions you will likely have with law enforcement:

A little bit of advice to begin- when the officer walks up to your window, do not greet him with, "I'm sorry officer, but I don't plan to buy any tickets to this year's Policeman's ball." It's a common misconception that all cops are dumb enough to respond back: "Sir/Madam, policemen do not have balls," realize what he just said, and walk away embarrassed. Cops are fairly quick on the uptake, and are probably more likely to respond with, "well, I'm terribly sorry to hear that, sir/madam, as it means I have no choice now but to you issue a citation for doing 90 in a 55. So, in addition to your official no to our RSVP, I'll need to see your driver's license, registration and proof of insurance."

The lesson here? Cops have a sense of humor, and a ticket book. And that generally allows them the last laugh.

When the cop says to you, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" the following responses would be inappropriate:
- "You mean you don't know either?"
- "I'd love to play 20-Questions, officer, but I'm a bit of a hurry right now."
- "You're jealous of people who own really cool sports cars?"
- "Because you wanted to compliment me on the excellent burnout I did leaving that gas station 12 miles back!"
- "Well as I'm not frickin' bank robber, no! I have NO IDEA why you pulled me over!!"

Instead, simply smile in a friendly manner and say, "No, I'm afraid I don't know, officer."

When the cop says to you, "My radar indicates you were doing 84 in a 65 Mile Per Hour zone," the following responses are like to be unhelpful to you:
- "This is persecution! You just don't like red Corvettes, do you?"
- "Gee, according to this fee schedule, I could have doing another 3 miles per hour faster and the ticket would have been for the same fine and points. Darn the luck!"
- "Playing with big radar guns is obviously compensating for some other shortcoming, officer. I wonder what Freud would have said about you."
- "Your radar gun obviously got that Ford Excursion I was passing, not me."
- "We still use speed limits? I thought we got rid of those when Reagan was elected."

Rather, the wiser response would be to adopt an expression of wide-eyed innocence and say, "I'm very sorry, officer. I had no idea."

When the cops says he needs to see your license, registration and proof insurance, do not make the mistake of replying with the following:
- “What- that’s it? You don’t even want to hear my side of the story? Nice to see law enforcement is continuing the age old tradition of hiring from the shallow end of the gene pool.”
- “Of course I don’t have an insurance card. I self insure.”
- “You’d think you guys have real criminals to go chase.”
- “You don’t really need my driver’s license do you? It has my birth date on it, and I’m a little sensitive about my age.”
- “It’s okay. Write your ticket out. I play golf with the judge.”

The wiser course of action is simply to hand the requested items over and wait.

You see, if you follow our recommendations, your coolness will show through, and it will impress the officer who pulled you over. You may even find the officer striking up a conversation about your Corvette- if he does this, seize on the opportunity to show the car off to him. Open up the hood, let him see the engine you so meticulously cleaned on that first Saturday. This is no guarantee you won’t receive a citation for speeding, but it will improve your chances if you keep your cool. Copping an attitude (if you’ll pardon the expression) will get you nowhere fast.

Remember that folks in law enforcement find themselves pulling over people like that ricer punk who challenged you far more frequently than they do those who actual own a sense of cool about them. In your encounters with cops, coolness dictates that you should present yourself in stark contrast to that adolescent attitude machine driving the lurid Japanese make.

 

[Patrick]

Part V:
Home Again.
Your long day of happy motoring is over. You’ve succeeded in overcoming all challenges to your cool, and as a result, your Coolness Quotient is at an all time high. Well done.

Now it’s time to put the Corvette away for the night. You park the Corvette in the garage, remembering to back it in so it is in launch position, ready for the next ride. You exit the car remembering to move both your feet out first, turning sideways in your seat and standing up out of the car. And just before you turn to go into the house, you push the lock button on your key fob, and the Corvette winks at you.

A perfect day- the first one of the new Corvette season. Thanks to the pointers offered here, we hoped we’ve help to jog your recall about the relationship between Corvette and cool, and how many pitfalls there are to the quest to expand your Coolness Quotient. A long winter season of separation from your Corvette can certainly make your instincts grow a bit rusty. All you really needed to be reunited with your Corvette, and be the Corvette owner you are.

Now, one final item to discuss. On occasion, for no reason at all, owners of C5s will awake in the middle of the night, as if summoned. They will find themselves, without fully remembering how they got there, in the garage staring at the Corvette with a fond reverence. This is normal. Every Corvette owner experiences this. The reason this occurs isn’t merely a desire within the Corvette owner to check that the car is still in the garage where you left it. It isn’t even to simply a desire to prove to yourself that that perfect day you just had wasn’t a dream- that you really do own a Corvette.

No, the explanation for this phenomena of midnight checks on your Corvette comes down to this: your Corvette occupies a prominent place. It is at the very center of your Coolness Universe. And sometimes, after one of those perfect motoring days, your Coolness Quotient calls to you, a sort of echo of the day. Think of it as a tolerable side effect of having so much Cool in the bank.

Now, go get some sleep. The Weather Channel has indicated tomorrow is going to be even better than today.

 

[Jistari]

Outstanding
A lot of tongue in cheek there, but I do identify with setting an example when out in the vette. No big deal, just proper and precise driving, no tantrums or closer than necessary passes, patience with granny in the left lane, whatever, feels like people are watching, might as well show em how it's supposed to be done.



Oh.....and womping the imports when the glove drops.....ya.....thats fun too


Thanks for the article (well written ).

 

[DRTH VTR]

Very fine, Patrick! otfl

The section about our friends in law enforcement contains a lot of truth. A clean, well maintained car, no attitude, some courtesy, and respect will go a long way with the LEO's. It can't hurt, anyway.

And remember, gentlemen: a comb-over fools nobody.

 

[miltievette]

Great Read. Thanks for the pointer on how to behave when the LAW pulls me over.I wish I had seen this sooner.

 

[XLR8]

Very good Patrick!! Important to keep the Coolness Factor in mind at all times!

...people are watching, might as well show em how it's supposed to be done.

Well said!!

Jane Ann

 

[yellow_2002_germany]

It seems to me that this info is good for ALL vette owners!

 

[Patrick]

It seems to me that this info is good for ALL vette owners!

While there are certainly some parts that translate "pan-generationally" to all Corvette owners, some of the information in here is tailored specifically to C5s. Owners of C4s, for instance, don't have to worry about their gas caps smacking them in the rear when they forget to push the fuel filler door button before getting out of the car.

But you make a good point- the Coolness of the Corvette is not unique to any one generation.

-Patrick

 

[Vettepirate]

Good points, and very entertaining.

 

[BoeingMan]

fun read :gap

 

[MsSchroder]

Patrick,
Something tells me you've been spanked by the gas filler door!

That account was just... too descriptive :L

 

[Flyer50]

sounds like a good set of rules

 

[o2bnkc]

And I will be the first this year to say, remember c5 owners, the most important thing to know, DON'T WAVE AT OTHER VETTES! Keep the tradition alive. Don't let those c6 owners take over your tradition. You have worked too long at this to forget it. A tradition that goes back ten years now. Show respect to the earlier c5 drivers that they worked so hard on. Ok, relax you guys and girls. You know I'm just kidding(?) As a former owner of an 02', we were supposed to be the worst at acknowledging our fellow owners, I know. I have to quit now. My arms are still sore from all the waving I do now, since I sold the c5.

 

[Patrick]

Patrick,
Something tells me you've been spanked by the gas filler door!

That account was just... too descriptive :L

Tammy, I am asserting my fifth amendment rights, as any answer I could give might tend to affect to Coolness Quotient.

And I will be the first this year to say, remember c5 owners, the most important thing to know, DON'T WAVE AT OTHER VETTES! Keep the tradition alive. Don't let those c6 owners take over your tradition. You have worked too long at this to forget it. A tradition that goes back ten years now. Show respect to the earlier c5 drivers that they worked so hard on.

Now, Outwest, I'm detecting a wee bit of sarcasm in your response. Remember the message? Coolness recognizes and appreciates coolness when it meets it, it does not cast aspersions.

-Patrick

 

[geekinavette]

Patrick...step AWAY from the tequila.....

(and you give ME crap for long posts! :L )

Bill

 

[Vette_Dreaming]

Part I:
Getting Out of the Garage.
Yes, in the case of driving at night or during overcast skies, you may wear the sunglasses on the top of your head, but you must keep them with you at all times while driving.

I would think that the "coolness" factor would go way down for those of us that must wear glasses to have our glasses on and our sunglasses on the top of our head.:L